Autumn's Monologue
by colorguard06
Summary: In the rays of the day she could fight off memories...feelings. But at night, while she slept she could not control or hide from them. DMHG [Songfic]


**Disclaimer:** I do not own any characters or settings sadly and I dont think I could afford to buy them off J.K. Rowling, but a girl can dream...and I don't own "Autumns Monologue" the song belongs to From Autumns to Ashes

**Lyrics  
**"speaking"  
'thinking'  
_memories/flashback_**

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**Oh why can't I be what you need  
Anew improved version of me  
But I'm nothing so good  
No I'm nothing  
Just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs**

Hermione stared at her reflection in the full-length mirror placed in the corner of her private Head Girl's room. She watched it mock her; her reflection showing off each and every imperfection: Her goddamn hair, her freckles specked across her nose, her small chest, the fact that she was not skinny enough, and her eyes. Her eyes, there was nothing about them that was special or beautiful. They were an ugly dull color brown; they were boring... unattractive. 

**Of violence of love and of sorrow  
I beg for just one more tomorrow  
Where you hold me down fold me in  
Deep deep deep in the heart of your sins**

'No wonder he doesn't want you!' a voice in her head taunted. 'Look at you. There is nothing special or desirable about you' She violently shook the voice from her head only for it to return louder. 'Maybe if you were different...but your not. He doesn't want you anymore.' 

**I break in two over you  
I break in two**

She stared at the canopy of her bed fighting the exhaustion that tried to overcome her. In the rays of the day she could fight off memories...feelings, but at night, while she slept she could not control or hide from them. Her eyes felt like lead, for the first time in a week, she let her world fade into darkness...and memory...

**And each piece of me dies  
And only you can bring the breath of life  
But you don't see me, you don't**

_"Malfoy! We are supposed to be working together on the decorations. How are we supposed to do that if all you do is stare at the wall behind me? Merlin how did you become a prefect...I'm going to report to the headmaster if you keep - " she was cut off by his lips covering hers. It was quick and she had not gotten over her shock to push him away before he pulled away smirking _

_"Granger," he said catching her eye, "you talk to much." She couldn't retort before his lips crashed back onto hers. And to her surprise (and excitement!) she liked it!_ 'Merlin what am I thinking!' _She felt herself wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer... _

**Here I'm in between darkness and light  
Bleached and blinded by these nights**

_"Malfoy, what side are you on?" In the last 8 months of this relationship-thing they had been in she had never asked the question that had been burning in the back of her mind. But sitting here, wrapped in his arms watching the stars through the empty classroom window, she couldn't stop herself from asking. _

_"Well," he said, resting his chin on her shoulder pulling her closer to his chest, " I'm not going to be a Death Eater. Kissing some half-blooded-psycho-who-couldn't-kill-a-baby's ass. But, I'm not going to be joining Dumbledore any time soon. I love you, but you Gryffindors are far too saintly for me. Running off with no thought of self-" _

_"Say it again." She said cutting him off. _

_"What?" he asked surprised. _

_"Say that you love me." It was the first time he had said it, as absentmindedly as it was. He smiled - a real smile, she noted, one that she was the only one ever privy to - and leaned his head against hers. _

_"I love you." She leaned in to kiss him smiling. Happier then she ever thought possible…_

**Where I'm tossing and tortured till dawn  
By you, visions of you then your gone.**

_"This isn't going to work Granger..." she didn't look up from her book _

_"What's not Malfoy?" _

_"Us..." She looked up at him questionably _

_"What are you talking about...?" _

_He sighed, "We can't do this anymore. Sooner or later we will be caught and I can't take that chance." He placed a kiss on her forehead said, "It was fun while it lasted." and then turned and walked out of the library... _

Hermione's eyes shot open. She felt a tear run down her cheek and she brushed it away with her hand. She was supposed to forget…to not feel it…. She mutely walked between Harry and Ron as they made their way to the Great Hall. Knowing that she did not want to go, they still dragged her out of her self-confinement hoping the smell of food and presence of people would bring her back from the unknown stupor she was now in. She stared at the floor in front off her not wanting to meet _anyone's_ eye, because eyes are the window to the soul and untold secrets, and no one was to know hers.

**The shock lifts the red from my face  
When I hear someone's taking my place**

Ginny ran up next to her linking their arms, much to her displeasure. "Oh Hermione! I'm so glad your feeling better!" Hermione just nodded not removing her eyes from the floor she was walking on. They were almost to The Great Hall before Ginny's words penetrated her mind. "Merlin, Parkinson! Why don't you and Malfoy get a room!" Her head shot up to look at the scene before her. He had that…that 'pug faced bitch' against the wall and she could tell by the way his hair was in disarray what they were doing…. She felt her face grow warm with rage 

" I-I'm not hungry – I-I'll see you l-later." She didn't wait for a response before turning and running up the stairs 

**How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel  
When all, all that I did was for you**

He never loved you, 'The voice returned has she neared the Gryffindor tower,it's been a week and he has replaced you with someone else.' She shook her head as the last part echoed through out the confines of her mind

**I break in two over you  
I break in two over you, over you  
I break in two  
I would break in two for you**

She reached her room walking in she caught her reflection in the mirror across the room. It was mocking her again, showing her imperfections… 

**Now you see me **

She broke; she stood up and crossed the room in two strides. A distant heart wrenching and broken scream filled the room… 

**Now you don't**

She realized as her fist came in contact with the mirror, that the scream was coming from her. 

**Now you need me**

She watched as the mirror shattered and spread throughout her room. She looked down at the fist that had broken the mirror; blood, _'dirty blood'_ she reminded herself, was flowing from the wounds embedded with broken shards of the mirror…It was broken…useless…just like her. 

**Now you don't

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A/N:**

Okay its done, this is a one shot for now, I dont know if I will keep going so you'll just have to wait and see; mabye with some encouragement I can do more wink wink anyway review and tell me what you think of my first stab at an agsty sadness. 

luv, colorguard06 (aka Christina)


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